you are beautiful. you are strong. your problems ALL stem from the extreme pain you experienced whilst witnessing your mom shower your baby brother with inequitable portions of love throughout your childhood, carrying him to school every day long after he passed the age after which she stopped carrying you.
you're jealous by nature.
you cry at the drop of a hat, almost every day and almost everywhere.
you're anxious and depressed. you were anorexic as a pre-teen and bulimic as a real-teen.
you now masturbate maliciously in alleyways and force bolus back up your esophagus to never stop eating and suck back half cigarettes to deprive yourself of oxygen and see stars, all desperate attempts to self-soothe.
you love too deeply and not at all. you only love to cry.
you hate success. you hate engineers, doctors and lawyers. you hate people with confidence. these people usually ignore you or are your "friend" with so many conditions that you can't help but hate them and their hypocrisy and their dumb white sneaker-clad posse. they also all call themselves photographers and writers and this makes your skin crawl with envy.
you like guts and failure and unemployment and 1am pizza orders from Papa Johns and loneliness and old spice and poop-green eyes.
you love to pine.
and you love to be right.
and most of all, you love to angstily google things like:
"what do i do when my boyfriend reads my msgs and never responds!?"
"why a guy won't text back??"
"how to not be emotionally needy"
"how to make someone like you more"
"how to make someone want you as much as you want them"
this is who you've become.
when you do get ahold of him, he always signs off prematurely -- dismisses you with things like:
"I gotta go to sleep now" (it's 11:30pm and you know he'll be online for another 2 h)
"well, it's time to go to lunch!" (he's been on his phone throughout 85% of all meals you've "shared" with him)
OR .... or. here's the one you just loooove the most (and also, INCIDENTALLY, the most prevalent of ALL the aforementioned outcomes!!):
you'll send him a vid. a funny meme. tell him a ridonkulusss story. send 'im a strange pic from your mom, who he claims to find endearing. or you'll tell him about something really infuriating. something important. something funny, interesting, smart ... something you really really really wanted to say. or maybe you just wanted to scratch away at his swaddled-in-iron persona; enjoy a fun, heart-warming "we're in this damn world together" response from the person who at least tentatively claims to love and desire you.
AND.
he responds with things like:
