happy boys and happy girls

I am happy!

THIS IS BIG.

list:


- buying $50 worth of fresh fruits and vegetables yesterday and eating them
- starting to arrange Walkin' by Thundercat
- starting internship
- Heather inviting me to Roxane FUCKING Gay!
- AGO this morning; membership pass!
- 4 am hike tomorrow morning
- collaging with Laura
- LAURA and her magic??!
- park times with lovely CAMH girls
- Music day with Kyle!
- learning SEASONS CHANGE last night and drinking Wellington Brewery beer and feeling great

I am happy.

I am allowed to be happy.

Desktop Diary // Radical Acceptance edition

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

it's ok to have irrevocably lost touch w your iPod Classic

it's ok to collect whimsical 1970s cookbooks and picture books for future use in fantastical collages you know you will never make when you can't stumble out of your room. 

                 it's okay to have what you internally deem an inadequate vestibular sense of history.

it's okay to like things a lot and not know why and not want to learn more about them.

it's okay to treat yourself like a child.

it's okay to put on a brave face.

it's okay to find relief only in the company and under the unwavering supervision of others.

it's okay to be unproductive. it's okay to feel overwhelmingly lightheaded and depressed every morning and night without any external or chemical cause.

it's okay for your every concrete action (that isn't just you imagining partaking in the action in the near, near future) to be the compromised product of competing involuntary internal negotiations. it's okay to only actually do 1/8 of what you believe you're capable of. it's okay to live exclusively inside your own skull, the knowledge of this providing no sanctuary. it's okay because you are somehow okay and doing okay.

it's okay to feel important without having earned it. it's okay to feel unimportant when you deserve to feel important. it's okay to think that anyone 'deserves' anything; that we live in a karmically policed cosmos. it's okay to believe in an ever-receding future in which you will suddenly be counted among a 'deserving' and confident elite.

it's okay to let seconds and days and years blow away. it's okay to feel isolated by neurosis and self-hatred and the inability to be 'fixed'. 

******DISCLAIMER: I DON'T EARNESTLY BELIEVE THE ABOVE IS A HEALTHY EXAMPLE OF THE PRACTICE IN DBT KNOWN AS RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. IT'S A GREAT SKILL (WHEN USED MINDFULLY) BUT I'M NOT READY TO HARNESS IT. MY HEART IS TOO FRACTURED, MY SELF-ESTEEM TOO WOUNDED, MY ANXIETIES TOO DEEPLY EMBEDDED IN THE SYNTAX OF MY THOUGHTS (WHICH IF AREN'T MY VERY ESSENCE, WHAT IS?)*****