i felt the exact same way when i was your age ~ nonsense time with kate

hi. after a little hiatus from this blog that literally NO one reads (except exactly 5 people who wanted to know how to make vegan friends - awful sorry, but this ain't the blog for you! SURPRISE!) i'm back for some more lavish bellyaching. the above photo is from the first time i took a pregnancy test and started sobbing and feeling so much self-pity i actually confused it with a rush of euphoria because i misread the test and assumed i'd have to move to guam to have my kid in peace, away from the social constraints of the merciless patriarchy!!

well, lucky for the kid i didn't have, i didn't have a kid! (and i guess i'm sort of lucky too. not that guam isn't nice)

well, here i am, 8 months later, sad and apathetic as fuck and managing to balance nothing. 

i'm writing an essay on Faulkner right now. but you'd never be able to tell because my sprawling notes on the nature of time have exploded all over the expanse of my room, managing to soak up the layers of filth in here like a goddamn roll of ultra charmin. 

sigh. can i do this? 

can i put an earnest effort into my schoolwork?

the fact is, i'm not doing anything else with my life at present. 

and like going to the gym or trying new weird things with new weird people, putting actual cold hard effort into school feels GREAT when you get around to strangling the little bitch inside you, holding a switchblade to her throat and screaming WORK. WORK, BITCH.

so that's what's happening. i mean, i do have enough time to FUCKING. DO. THIS. 

and i should also be able to do my credit/no credit assignment too. 

i fucking can

and i can do more than just do it. 

i can do more than just breathe. 

i can LIVE GUYS I CAN LIVE 

ugh. 

i'm sounding like the deluded 51 year old soulcrushingly hopeless romantic part-time yoga teacher single mom with 15 grand in debt and a too-humid apartment above an institution gloriously named REALTY LIFE. (this is my first boyfriends real actual mom who wouldn't keep real food (read: bread) in the house, opting instead for organic produce that she would relinquish to the juicer. lets just say that i was really thin that summer. 

but chuck or frank or whatever code name i'm using was sweet as fuck and made me fondant. he was really cute in that "i like you sosososos much, you're so special just love yourself irrationally like i doooo" kind of way. but i dumped him.

anyways, i'm going to ~ put my big girl pants on ~ and put an honest, concerted effort into this colossal essay. 

bc faulk it. 

omg i'm so not funny. 

well, friends, thanks for putting up with this obnoxiously formatted, even more obnoxiously schizophrenic "blog" "post"  that you didn't read.  i love you. because what's my love worth anyways that i can't squander it on you sad, lonely vegans on misguided soulmate-pilgrimages? i have ample love for you. and you. and .... well not you. 

-- love kate