make yourself your own subject

make yourself your own subject

the past

not history but the past

Old Redmond

ontario place

the mythical utopia of Daddy's basement

disposable cameras with expiry dates in the mid-'00s 

a preoccupation with hideous teal bat-winged '80s sweatshirts 

Maya Fuhr

my now-antiquated well-intentioned sticker-plastered prayer journals

Uncle Shayne's mix tapes and their long-winded names

the importance of Shakespeare's Sister and their forgotten aesthetic to my 2008 self

the dead little boy with an angel face an an artifical jew-fro

the oppressively hypnotic '60s sci-fi sensibilities of the Centre Pompideau 

Duane Hanson's Queenie

Desperately Seeking Susan

these things incite a visceral reaction in me; make me squirm 

all of these things together mean something

1:18 cig

i stand here in reverence of the 1:18 cig
just when my dopamine levels were dropping
and so were my prospects
i remembered my secret and adoring superpower at my disposal, tucked safely away in my backpocket:
the 1:18 cig

i can steal you away to a secluded corner
and inhale your deep, vast, understanding calm
i can fuck you with my mouth

knowing the wonderful truth that my indifference to you makes you exponentially more effective

i can have my weekly, sometimes monthly treat
sometimes sober, mostly drunk

i can buy you and i can love you
but i won't ruin you and jade you

no

because you wont give me those intense shivers of pleasure or immense feeling of zen

if i fuck you in my sad mouth every day

youll just fool my brain and enslave me and label me

plus i dont even want to
with regularity and mundanity your appeal dissolves completely

no

youre my 1:18 cig and youre always there and youre always secret unless
i dont want you to be
youre my secret friend who doesnt expect to use me in any way
you just like it when i come around
its a pleasant surprise

you fill me with euphoria, make my breath smell like bitter coffee

you make me a grownup

even if i rub you up against a brick wall and save you for another anxious or drunk night
once ive ridden out the high

so this ones for you
and for how you give me that little friendly push and reinforce my loneliness in a happy way

my 1:18 cig

pretty sure this lil lady could use a 1:18 cig!