new lows

EVERY LOW IS THE LOWEST

so angry

but too tired to move

always always tired

modafinil

adderall

they're not helping

at all

make me feel washed out with chlorine

make me feel groggier than i already did

the sore adderall afterglow getting sooner and sooner

it's not chemical

SURPRISE,

it's YOU!

SURPRISE,

drugs dont work if you dont

they dont work if you sleep for 12h 

they dont work if you go to bed at 3 or 4 every night for no reason

silently postponing sleep via hours of swiping on tinder

absorbing no music or literature or news or trivia 

becoming nothing 

getting further and further from former benchmarks of intelligence, creativity, achievement

where is my chutzpah 

oh wait, i've been on this spectrum for years

been applauded w high grades for my chronic procrastination problem since i was, like, 8. 

maybe younger

it's just so much worse now

i am all out of hope. i am all out of muscle memory. 

now i can request an extension due to my 'disability' 2 hours before a paper is due

and it's granted just like that

it makes me feel like shit because i wrote off the previous 2 days to 'work' on said assignment 

squandering them doing literally nothing. 

not watching netflix, not hanging out on youtube.

no. 

indulgently talking with my ex about existential nonsense and stupid crap we'll never do, perhaps. 

refreshing my email, fb, instagram for hours, yes. 

but DOING anything? no

i've lost that function

i've lost all control of myself

i feel so so so so so so far away from myself

i have no mastery of myself

no grip on my time

i can't think of any reason why my time would have value

no impetus to do anything but dawdle when not directly in front of others

SHOULD I SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF MY TIME WITH OTHERS

and is this an important crossroads at which i make the 'right' decision? or is this where i drop out of sight and don't know where i went?