priorities

I say my program is mundane bullshit. That I'm effortlessly doing well.

So then why am I dropping courses in droves?

because I'm not. 


because I need to get my shit together. 

because I'm actually letting everything slip. 

because Kyle is right; the only reason I need to actually try at my life is that I need practice learning to be great at something even if it's not the something. I know this reads like a John Green novel, but I'm not going for that. There's never a good excuse to be apathetic/cynical/unmotivated. If I'm paying large sums of money to go to university, then I better damn well bleed this institution dry. I must prove to myself that I can master a subject or write a good research paper. Because, presently, this is what I'm doing with my life, even if I have no clue what I will be doing with the rest of it. 


I'm going to dig myself out of this stupid ditch of self-pity and start caring. A lot. 

Sex positions (or not)

I think sex positions, or lack of a plural with regard to them, are very important. 
I mean. 
It's true, every couple who fucks for an extended period of time develops some semblance of a routine, right? right? well. that's the case with me. 
and the thing is, considering i met my man-pie on Tinder, i thought maybe he'd be a little more... spontaneous/adventurous in bed. 
well. he's not. this is rare for a girl, but I'm the member of our duo who wants to give anal sex a try. i'm of the "try everything if you only get to fuck one person" mentality. i mean, seriously. let's fuck in other places ie: not only in your bed. or maybe let's try the lotus position, or that position i saw Marnie doing on girls where the dude fucked her from behind while lying on her back. agh. that would be so cool and nice. idk. i think maybe my boyfriend has a secret fear of crushing me to death and that he's also just a monstrously lazy fuck. but i literally am game for anything he's ever wanted to do, and i'm tired of that not being reciprocated. cowgirl is great, and i really like fucking him that way, but it's exhausting and getting a little tired, and it's hard to be like, "hey, you know how i said that you're really great in bed and stuff? well, we've been fucking the exact same way for 4 months and now i'm ready for shower sex/rough sex/anal play/every goddamned position we're physically capable of." even missionary would be a refreshing change of sexual scenery. he's a creative person! so am i! can we not improvise? can we not write a completely novel, eccentric story? can we not tease and tantalize each other in new ways? or at least put a much-needed twist on our usual sequence? it seems that this has not occurred to him. so i guess it's my job to be like "ehhh... so i was thinking. you know when you asked me if i thought you were boring in bed? well, tbh, friend... y'are."

I do things i don't want to do for him ALL. THE. TIME. i come out with his friends when i'm dead tired or sick. i go down on him even when i'd rather not. i fuck when he wants to, i leave him alone when he clearly doesn't. i get him water; i buy him food. i do all of this because i love him and i want him to know that he's important. but what about MEMEMEME? MAYBE JUST MAYBE WE CAN TRY THINGS I WANT TO DO INSTEAD OF STAYING IN THE SAME BORING, SWEATY COMFORT ZONE THAT WE'VE BEEN STAGNATING IN FOREVER. 

one more comment; i've heard him say "oh, i'm a dom", like that excuses everything and automatically makes me a "sub" by default. well this is annoying. can't we take turns? can't i lead the way sometimes? what if i'm a goddamned "dom" too, ya dummy? jesus. who else hates when people state things like this without any regard for the other person, or the fact that they like occupying more than one role instead of having one thrust upon them? thoughts?

have a good day, and remember to get ANGRY about your sex life! 

much love and erotic energy, 

your bitch, kate


- An Sexy Lil Afterthought Added Two Days Later -

so, friends. on the topic of sex/sexuality, i believe my whole masturbating mechanism has, in effect, been blocked. i've always been heavily discouraged from watching porn/doing anything sexual and have a relatively conservative Christian mother (she lost her virginity at 22, which albeit late, came as a shock since i was convinced that my conception marked the date of her deflowerment. apparently not). all this to lead up to the fact that, i've only recently been exploring the grittier corners of the web, searching for erotica that actually resonates with me. well, it turns out that porn with a chubby guy (who does that remind me of? hm) tends to be a lot hotter and more real to me. like a lot hotter. so here. check out this wonderful thing i found in the bountiful porn-filled garden of eden (aka pornhub). it's hot and cute and amateur and real and damn... there are like 3 positions there that my boyfriend and i have never even ventured near. give it a watch. it's interesting and nice to see normal weird bodies be so sexy and confident. i can't stress enough how much i love imperfection; how much it turns me on. my boyfriend thinks he has a shitty body because he has a beer belly and a double chin, but i think he's a wicked sex god because idk i like that he writes and doesn't obsess over eight-packs or how much protein's in his hemp-seed breakfast shake. ya feel? i want meaty, hefty, yummy him. who else loves someone's unconventional body? 

i've never been suicidal but i would now like something to happen that would merit an extended order of bed-rest

Despite my deepest desires to have a great fucking year and turn my life around --SURPRISE-- that hasn't happened. In fact, I know this is a cliche, but everything has gone from pretty not good to SHIT. absolute shit. three ensembles that I auditioned for, I didn't get into. THREE. and the thing is, I get into almost everything i try for! I used to be a music MAJOR, can't you see? yeah, I know i haven't sang in 4 months but i'm                     , ex-voice performance major and entitled princess who succeeds at absolutely everything. ha. well. it's funny because last year I used to beat myself up for not studying enough or doing too much extra shit and filling my schedule so that I couldn't give each thing enough attention. i wish it was like that now. you see, now, i have nothing. i have classes, which i don't do jack shit for. and i have yoga classes which i have put down money for but have yet to attend. and i have a mother who i continually use exploit and disappoint. and i have a job teaching kids to swim which is probably the only good thing on this list but is still exhausting. and i have a boyfriend who i am on a "break" with because I got black-out motherfucking inebriated on Friday and made out with my ex for 10 seconds 3 meters from my current boyfriend who didn't notice but was told by his best friend the next day. yep. and this is the first and only male i have been in love with and have loved and been loved by. this is the guy who i could stare at for eons; whose head i want to cradle in my lap while we watch Space Balls. this is the perfect, funny, happy, amazing, infinitely magical, intelligent, attractive, smooth, beautiful, different, incredibly perfect for me guy that i wanted to be with for a long-ass time. and i fucked it all up because i'm a promiscuous drunk who insists on being irresponsible beyond the normal point of funny or cute or even mildly gross. I'm fucking 19. i should actually know how to drink without losing my week-old iphone 5c or throwing up on another person or drinking to the point that someone calls an ambulance OR being unlucky and stupid enough to find myself kissing freaking                           MY FUCKING EX WHO WAS STUPIDLY AT THE SAME BAR AS MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS FRIENDS AND ME. holy shit. i am so done with myself. 

i guess all i can really do now is give my boyfriend space and try to pick up the pieces of my in-shambles life. 

this really is an all-time low. (ugh. i'm not referencing the band.)

- Kate