i've never been suicidal but i would now like something to happen that would merit an extended order of bed-rest

Despite my deepest desires to have a great fucking year and turn my life around --SURPRISE-- that hasn't happened. In fact, I know this is a cliche, but everything has gone from pretty not good to SHIT. absolute shit. three ensembles that I auditioned for, I didn't get into. THREE. and the thing is, I get into almost everything i try for! I used to be a music MAJOR, can't you see? yeah, I know i haven't sang in 4 months but i'm                     , ex-voice performance major and entitled princess who succeeds at absolutely everything. ha. well. it's funny because last year I used to beat myself up for not studying enough or doing too much extra shit and filling my schedule so that I couldn't give each thing enough attention. i wish it was like that now. you see, now, i have nothing. i have classes, which i don't do jack shit for. and i have yoga classes which i have put down money for but have yet to attend. and i have a mother who i continually use exploit and disappoint. and i have a job teaching kids to swim which is probably the only good thing on this list but is still exhausting. and i have a boyfriend who i am on a "break" with because I got black-out motherfucking inebriated on Friday and made out with my ex for 10 seconds 3 meters from my current boyfriend who didn't notice but was told by his best friend the next day. yep. and this is the first and only male i have been in love with and have loved and been loved by. this is the guy who i could stare at for eons; whose head i want to cradle in my lap while we watch Space Balls. this is the perfect, funny, happy, amazing, infinitely magical, intelligent, attractive, smooth, beautiful, different, incredibly perfect for me guy that i wanted to be with for a long-ass time. and i fucked it all up because i'm a promiscuous drunk who insists on being irresponsible beyond the normal point of funny or cute or even mildly gross. I'm fucking 19. i should actually know how to drink without losing my week-old iphone 5c or throwing up on another person or drinking to the point that someone calls an ambulance OR being unlucky and stupid enough to find myself kissing freaking                           MY FUCKING EX WHO WAS STUPIDLY AT THE SAME BAR AS MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS FRIENDS AND ME. holy shit. i am so done with myself. 

i guess all i can really do now is give my boyfriend space and try to pick up the pieces of my in-shambles life. 

this really is an all-time low. (ugh. i'm not referencing the band.)

- Kate